As I wait for the surgeon to finish operating on my husband, removing the cancerous mass from his neck, I look out of the large window of a waiting room at Beth Israel Hospital in New York City. What I see before me is a powerful image that stirs my heart in the most painful yet wondrous way. What I am viewing is the exact location that my husband may have contracted cancer, at least that was the opinion of some doctors. How ironic that before me, standing tall and ominous, some 20 blocks away, is The Freedom Tower. More than 15 years before, my husband went to Ground Zero (the morning after), a firefighter eager to help, to serve and to save those thousands of New Yorkers affected on that unforgettable event of 9/11.
This gorgeous and unusually shaped building represents the death and rebirth of New York and of America. As it reaches high up in the air, I see how it represents freedom from fear, giving us hope to dream of a future of peace and love. I think to myself, 'Isn't that what freedom really is - absence of fear?'
I stood there, reflecting on the experience my husband and I have shared since that early November day in 2013 when he received the scary words, "you have stage-4 cancer". As I gazed upon the site that used to be the Twin Towers, I knew deep down in my heart that I am responsible for every bit of what I have been experiencing, not only with my husband but even with 9/11 and beyond. I remember the words of a wise therapist who once said, "If there is a problem, there you are, so release yourself by saying, "I'm sorry" (for all of your erroneous thoughts, beliefs, actions, patterns, etc.).
With tears rolling down my cheeks and with sincerity in my heart, I begin to apologize to me, my husband and anyone else, for every cancerous thought or action I ever had. I say "I'm sorry" for all things I didn't do and could have; for all the things I did do and shouldn't have; for all the times I didn't speak my truth and didn't allow others to speak theirs; for all the times I judged myself or others; for all the times I ever believed the illusion of being a victim; for all the times that I blamed myself or others for my pain or for their pain. I am sorry for believing the "stories" of my past that separated me from others and from my own Highest Truth.
The more I repented and asked myself for forgiveness, the more I felt cleansed and free. A softening was occurring. I sensed more than ever my soul being ready to spread its wings and break free from the chains of doubt and fear. I released my past with compassion, rapture and excitement, feeling renewed in courage and strength to reclaim my life and burn with love, which was replacing fear of losing my wonderful husband.
It's been almost 3 years since that surgery day, since the chemotherapy, radiation, and months of worry, stress and exhaustion. It was that day that we finally hear those wondrous words, "You are cancer free and in full remission!" Wow! What relief, what joy, how blessed we were to not only have experienced our lives and marriage exactly the way we have, but to then make it through to the other side. We feel victorious. We ARE victorious!
When you look up and see how far reaching The Freedom Tower actually is, it's impossible not to feel hope and a glimmer of excitement for the future of true freedom. I will continue my practice of erasing my negative beliefs and outcomes by saying, "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you". I will do this for myself, for my husband and family and for the world because one day, I know that we will experience a world without a single cancerous thought, word or deed. Paradise, here we co